Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: A Fridge too Far

Ah, Indiana Jones. The second most popular action hero ever had a hell of a resume, one to be proud of. Three films, three successes over the course of the 80's, each succeeding by themselves whilst still contributing to the overall arc of the trilogy. What a feel-good story in the world of film! Three well behaved, likable children, getting good jobs and ready to make a difference in the world. But wait a minute! The dad that left home when you were 8 has had another baby, decades later, with another lady! What the hell, dad? You're like, 53.

The Phantom Menace is the drunk uncle in this analogy.

Yes, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has always stood out as the last hurrah that nobody wanted, a last ditch effort to milk some nostalgia bucks out of nerds and fathers who have so far failed at convincing their kids how great Indiana Jones is. And upon release, was met by such seething resentment, you'd be forgiven for thinking the film just consisted of Indy snagging his balls on the corner of a dinner table and swallowing a bee. If you didn't hate this movie, you didn't deserve movies, or fun, or any kind of distraction from the misery of your inevitable demise. But does it deserve all the contempt and loathing beseech-ed upon it? Well, no, not really. Crystal Skull is actually a damn solid film.

The drugs are starting to take their toll on Mia Wallace.

There are a lot of reasons why the internet has chosen to use the fourth Jones installment as their cork board of hatred and misery. The plot, the gimmicks, the effects, Shia LaBeouf, having to google Shia LaBeouf to make sure you have the spelling right, and then twice going back and checking again because you forgot it. But the way I see it, few of those complaints are valid. Let's start with the plot. Many believed it was an absurd departure from the 'traditional' Indy format, introducing aliens at the cost of the usual religious myth. I honestly thought this was okay. It wasn't really any more unrealistic than the other Jones movies, it just had a slightly different focus. Besides, a crystal skull is synonymous with alien folklore, so it wasn't that much of a surprise going in. Sometimes it pays to Wikipedia a film before you see it.

In a time without Nazi's, it's harder for bad guys to immediately explain their motives and be hated at the same time, so in that sense, the bad guys, led by a perfectly serviceable Cate Blanchett, do well in their roles. The character and development of Mac is dumb, but Ray Winstone makes chicken salad out of it, using every ounce of his lovable sliminess. It's fun seeing Marion again, albeit slightly bizarre, since this is the first example of clear canon the series has ever had. And then there's Mutt. The movie character equivalent of getting bitten by a rabid monkey. I don't like him, by any means. But I don't hate him. He doesn't try and steal the show and he gets beaten up a lot, which are two easy ways to make me not hate a character. So congratulations, Shia LaBeouf. Your extremely punchable face getting punched all over the place has made me tolerate you.

It's time we addressed the lead-coated elephant in the room. Nuke the Fridge is one of the dumbest moments in Indiana Jones history, and that includes Kate Capshaw being terrified of an owl. Yes, even if that'd worked (it wouldn't have) Jonsey would've broken ever bone in his body on the landing. Yes, he probably has radiation poisoning and will die too young in tremendous amounts of pain. But you know what? If faces can melt and a knight can live for 700 years, maybe a fridge can withstand an atom bomb blast. Maybe. Probably not, though.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is not a superb film, it's the worst in the quadrilogy, sure. But the things you loved so much about the first three films - the humour, the wacky yet historic plots, the fun characters, the action, the general B-movie-ness - it's all still there, if you look past the blu-ray and the grey hair and the completely appropriate Shia LaBeouf hanging out with monkeys. I truly believe that, as time goes by, people will accept this as a film that earned its place at the dinner table, and where the Christmas photo won't have a face mysteriously scratched out.

You sick of these Indy films = broken family jokes yet?

...I don't have to f**king impress you.