Cars: Pixar it Didn't Happen

There aren't many places where you expect phenomenal quality and get it just about every time. The Ritz, Arrested Development, Manchester United if they're losing and it's injury time. And for a long time, Pixar had its rightful spot on that list, creating some of the finest family films ever made. They were everything an audience could want. Memorable, likable characters, perfect range of jokes to suit all ages, inside references, the works. Then 2006 happened, Disney officially bought Pixar, and people held their breath. Now that the soul sapping, woman hating, money grabbing dynasty was in control of the lovable studio, how would it affect their films? Cars was the first film to come out under the new regime. And those people that had held their breath exhaled, not in relief, but in more of a "...yyyyyup."

And so began the most depressing Rule 34 tag ever.

The reason why Cars is Pixars first fail is several-fold, and not all of said reasons are because of Disney. Firstly, the characters are not that interesting. Probably the least likable, least developed characters in any Pixar film. Lightning McQueen is an awesome track rider! But alls he cares about is winning! Will he meet a group of characters that can make him see the error of his ways, preferably characters that don't stray even a little bit from redemption film genre stereotypes, like boring love interest, old cranky veteran, idiotic funny sidekick and Mexican? Darn right he will, in a mind-numbingly suspenseful tale, full of twists and turns...in the road. The story, not so much. The lack of effort in creating a dynamic story with compelling characters is especially jarring when compared to Pixars other endeavors, where original stories accompany them to Oscar wins and critical acclaim. So if Cars isn't here for the awards, what is it here for?

Pretty much.

Cars was made solely to sell merchandise, and it shows. There's a five second scene of McQueen daydreaming about saving the world from aliens with missiles and fire, and that got released as a toy.Characters that have speak about nine words during the course of the film, suddenly are part of the main gang at Christmas time and they're on the shelves. The popular characters all have clever one liners that are so obviously made for the talking toy range, they sound distinctively phoned in. The fact that it's a movie about cars, called Cars, makes the video game tie-in even lazier than most movie games. 

For the first time, Pixar neglected part of their audience when making a film; the parents. They'd proved numerous times before that they can make a family film that's just about perfect, and they'd go on to prove it again. Which just makes this flat faced sell out of a film all the more disappointing.

Oh, and then there's this.

Of course.